


So, what’s your mental fuckup?

by Star_struck_astronomer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Words on Bathroom Walls - Julia Walton
Genre: AS I SAID ITS CONFUSING, BandTrees, DEH/ Words on bathroom walls au, F/M, Gen, Ite gonna be a character mix cause there are some characters that don’t fit a character, basiclly Evan is a schizophrenic mess, but he ain’t?, connor’s part in this fic is confusing I gotta admit, he dead?, i thrive off that ship ok??, this is kinda a mess in general, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2019-12-18 15:19:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18252512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star_struck_astronomer/pseuds/Star_struck_astronomer
Summary: Basically Evan Has Schcizophrenia.He gets sent to a new school for a fresh start, also gets offered to be out on an experimental drug, and gets thrown into the world of love and hate. Here you tag along on his journey through his Junior Year as he navigates with his friends. New or old. Imaginary or real.(I OWN NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS OR THE STORY. CREDIT TO THE CREATORS OF BOTH FANDOMS)





	1. Chapter 1

**INITIAL DOSAGE:** _ 0.5 mg. Evan Hansen, 16 years old, is a subject of the clinical trial for ToZaPrex. He is reluctant to engage during therapy sessions. Nonverbal communication only. Not uncommon, given his reluctance to participate in therapy aspect of the drug trial _

 

**Aug 15, 2012**

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

Actually, fuck that. I’m not gonna put that. As if I care. You want my actual opinion? Sure. Here it is right in the open. As you said, “This is a safe space”.

 

So far you are my third therapist. I’m sure you know why, but if you  _ really  _ want me saying then sure. I don’t speak to people like you. The other therapists got annoyed after a couple sessions and kicked me out for not talking. This idea though, is different. It’s smart. Having me write this down. I can edit what I wanna say. I can make sure I don’t get kicked off this trial cause I definitely need this. So I’ll humor you. I’ll tell you what you need in this letter. 

 

Anyways you asked me to what did I notice first with me that was abnormal. I honestly thought it was the glasses. It happened when I was 12. My mom finally did something about how she noticed I squint a lot. That’s also when I noticed that I can see things nobody else is seeing. People were looking at me watching the birds that weren’t there, not they were watching the birds themself. I then stopped wearing my glasses stating I lost them. It worked till she got me a new pair. 

 

Around that time My mom married my step-dad, Paul Heere. He and his son, Jeremy, moved in with us and I didn’t want to break their happiness with me telling them “Hey, so I’m seeing things that aren’t there now???” So I refused to speak about it for a long time. 

 

She found out when the principle called her to inform her that I looked up in science class and started screaming. When she hung up she just looked to me and with a calm voice asked “What did you see?” I just stared down at my feet. She waited calmly till I answered. “Bats.” I said. “Huge black bats.” 

 

I of course didn’t tell Her about how they were twice the size of regular bats, or that they had human eyes, or even that they had fangs that hung from their mouths like razor sharp needles. How she looked so sad at me made me wish so fucking hard that they were real. Even with how terrifying those bats were. I wish that they ate me so I didn’t have to see the way she looked at me that night. And now since I understand why I think and act the way I do, I hate it even more. I hate this

 

I hate being crazy. 

 

Paul, my stepdad, is definitely a nice man. He dated my mom for years before. He always tried to keep up with my life. Hell he even is an attorney. He can give her what she needs. He can give her what she hasn’t had since my dad left. 

 

Jeremy is also a good guy. He is a year younger than me and we definitely have bonded since they met. I sometimes hang out with Michael, his best friend too. Well..used to. 

 

Since they found out things have been different. There is a tension in the air. We still do stuff at times but I can literally  _ hear _ them thinking. At least Paul loves my mom enough to not leave. 

 

And that’s why he suggested to send me to a new school, St. Agatha’s. A private school. A catholic one that due to being Catholic they cannot turn me away due to my “Condition”

 

He also made it so they cannot talk about my condition. He also made it especially known due to being a lawyer. So I’ll be starting a new school. I will know nobody there cause Jeremy goes to another public school in the area. 

 

So I’ll be starting junior year brand new. It’s gonna be hard, especially if people knew I see things others cannot.

 

Sincerely, me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ev brings up more shit.

**Dosage:** _0.5 mg. Same dosage. Evan still unwilling to speak_

 

**Aug 22, 2012**

 

Dear Evan Hansen

 

  Honestly, since my first diagnosis I’ve become an expert on my condition. I wanted to know ‘Hey, what makes me as fucked up as I am?.’ So really I can tell anyone the info they need. The drugs, most recent studies, the “positive” and “negative” symptoms.

  What do I mean by that? I mean positive as in the symptoms caused by the disorder such as delusions. And negative as in things reduced by the disorder like my lack of initiative and motivation. 

 There also really isn’t a real “path” it follows. Like a common thing. Some hear voices, some have visions, some are just paranoid. 

  Anyways my mom would also like me to point out the huge strides in medication we have. As a nurse she knows quite a bit on the medication side and she is an optimist. A glass half full kind of person. An opposite to my pessimistic personality. 

 

   The whole concept of seeing and hearing things is like some Harry Potter shit. Like in the chamber of secrets when he heard voices. Like I’d be receiving a hogwarts letter soon. But Ron ends up ruining that fantasy for me by saying that “Hearing voices no one else can hear isn’t a good sign even in the wizarding world.” So shit seems I won’t be getting a letter anytime soon. But also Harry ended up fine. Nobody sent him to therapy and gave him pills. Everything for him turned up to be real. Lucky bastard. 

 

  I can’t really complain another pill, though. Things have definitely been getting better. We won’t know how it affects me yet till I’m on full dosage for a while but at least I’m getting somewhere with it. They are easing me in, which you obviously know due to you are also monitoring my reaction mentally reporting back. The reason I’m in your office in the first place. 

 

  You also asked me what I knew about my treatment. I’ll treat you to that too I guess. The drug is called ToZaPrex. According to the label it can cause: 

  1. Decreased  white blood cell count (which hinder’s body’s ability to combat disease) 
  2. Seizures 
  3. Severely low blood pressure 
  4. Dizziness 
  5. Trouble breathing
  6. Severe headaches



 

Of course the doctors assured my mother that the worst side effects are really rare, and not to worry. And honestly I’ve really only experienced some, which is the headaches. The kind that nest in your brain and throb for a while until bored and then leave. But in all I’m reacting positively to the medication. I don’t feel compelled to act out whatever comes through my mind which is nice. It doesn’t really make the visions go away though. 

At least it makes me aware of if they are fake. 

 

  You also may ask “Hey Evan, what do you see exactly?” And let he start with  _ who.  _ I see Connor. Who is Connor exactly? Well first off I always has known he was fake cause he never really changed. But he is tall. Pretty damn tall. Pretty slim too, Like a bean pole. He has dull heterochromic eyes. One an icy blue and the other  with a bit of a warm hazel. He has messy wavy brown hair that goes to his shoulders and is pretty stoic looking. He never really says anything. He just watches and glares. Harmless thoughts. 

 

   I’ve really only seen him cry once. The day my mom found out. When it happened I wasn’t aware Connor was real. I wasn’t aware that he was crying  _ because _ I was. Anyways no Connor isn’t the only one I see. I just don’t want to mention them cause if I think about them the more likely they are to appear and they...tend to ruin things. They Wait for my mind to quiet and then boom. They appear. 

 

  Anyways, the visions usually start off with something small, something moving out of the corner of my eye, or a familiar voice that refuses to leave my head. And sometimes it’s just the feeling of being watched. It’s ridiculous I know, why would anybody bother watching  _ me  _ of all people? I still keep the blinds drawn though. Give me some sort of comfort in my crazy life. Make me feel properly alone. 

 

   A month ago when I started taking ToZaPrex I couldn’t tell what was real and what was fake. It drove me insane. I couldn’t tell when I was slipping out of control. It just seemed  _ too real. _ I couldn’t switch the hallucinations off. I could be lost in them for hours at a time. Now, when my mind goes out like that I can at least watch them like it’s a projection. Real CGI shit. Sometimes it’s beautiful,  actually. The voices serenade me to sleep and now that I know they aren’t real then I’m not afraid. It’s nice. It’s when stuff that jumps out at me that makes me look like a spaz. 

 

 I’m not nervous about starting school honestly either. I got my new uniform. White polo shirt, red woolen vest with school insignia, ugly navy blue shorts that flare out from my waist and hang like elephant skin. I’ve done all my reading too. I’m ready. 

 

 But in all there is something I don’t get. How can you sit there, read this out loud, and ask questions for an entire hour well I sit there saying nothing? It’s weird. And that’s saying a lot cause I’m crazy and I’m saying it’s weird. 

 

Sincerely, me.

 


End file.
